My horror scope.

Today you could be in a creative mood, Errol. You might decide to suddenly paint your house a different color. Or you might end up buying something such as plants or fish to bring new energy into your home. You'll be eager to make some small changes to your immediate environment. Don't let things remain drab and boring. It could be the perfect time to shake things up a little bit!
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Yeah, I'm packing and it sucks. I have SO little time and I'll be closing this up.

I feel the weight of my career across my shoulders, I still have not allowed myself to surrender to the ambiguity. However, I think that will come in time. Today is my Very very early retirement party from my job and it's over.

It's a relief, this book is almost closed. I can't wait.

I'm glad for burning man as it's providing me with a reminder of what my life will be like in the immediate future. Providing me with snap shots to meditate on - I belive this will allow me to understand what my im,mediate future will look like.

Peace and Love,
E

by Carolyn Burke

Imagine a man. . . . He lives in a world of rules patterns conventions; his behaviour is not his own until a personal appeal is made for sensibility, for effectiveness, for relevance. He hopes for purpose meaning. Time is not his even during a coffee break. . . .

Imagine his world. . . . Flags fly high because they should. Cars tediously follow roads, never breaking free, all stopping at the same times and places like well-trained dogs. And take notice of the trees, carefully standing in rows between buildings standing in rows, leaving room only for ashen roads to slip between. Paralleled and crossed like archetypal spreadsheets of the human transaction. Now look up.

From high in a building, looking out one window in a row of windows from a floor, above many others and below even more, you see the breaking man. He observes roads traveling into the horizon, replacing a sunset just as they ought to in this, his world; the roads meet to shake hands. And he watches as buildings shorten themselves to fit comfortably in the horizon coffee shop.

And as warming sparkles of sunlight accidentally mar the wet pavement, puddles unexpectedly glint in unlawful cracks, scarring his eyes.

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More safely, the man attends to his coffee swirling gently in Styrofoam. Imagine him. . . snapping the plastic tab of a creamer, pulling back the foil, dripping cream creating frantic amber-hued chaos. The next table's woman hastens to stir hers quickly achieving a required uniformity much like oats merging in porridge. Now look inward.
Swirling continues, streaks of white in a universe of void. Dancing in and out, pale contaminants in haunting darkness form an artificial backbone marring his soul.
The coffee's steam dreams of another way. The man looks longingly upon the drink, peering into unsocialized depths where white motions scream to the bottom of the cup, only returning to conform.

Imagine a final ray. . . sunlight lighting on the man's window. Jealously, the woman looks up from her coffee, purple-blue eyes aflame. Sunlight ought to beam for the whole row of windows or not at all. And yet. . . the unfamiliar warmth adds energy to the swirling ending the sickly courtship. His coffee is no longer thoughtful. Deep non-Brownian pastel stains the edges of the Styrofoam matching hers. Chaos banished. The sunlight leaves on the guilty wings of an overhead seagull. Now imagine as his eyes follow.

In silent grief, a car is towed out of line. Orderly but illegal. Another, out of sight, impatiently replaces it. He watches a battle-weary truck return knowingly. Hidden behind dull purple-blue buildings lurks a new row. Ferengi profit emerges in the predictability of systematic rule breaking. The man's stark gaze causes one more push and pop of a tortured society as he crumples linear Styrofoam. He looks in.

Off on the horizon, white cloudy streaks turn pink, swirling into a havenless purple-blue. A sigh as the man stands. His watch walking quickly away with his life. Why should a man's time be his own?

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This resonates with me, perhaps it's the description of the mundane world. The question, "Why should a man's time be his own?"

We have been taught that it's our life and our time is ours. We are taught that we can be anything when we grow up. However, to claim what is rightfully mine, my time. There have been repercussions. I suppose that's where the overlap is. For the people who are used to sending us to do their bidding are naturally resistant to releasing control.

Skillful use of fear is utilized to keep us in check. We all have dreams, when we are kids we have dreams, and we become adults and trade in those dreams for comfort. We forget that we are supposed to dream.

What if we lived each day like it was not connected to the next? Would we make the same choices? How many choices a day do you make for something in the future? How many do you make for today? How many times through each day do you feel the sting of the past behind your eyes? If we can't live for today, how can we hope to feel the elation of the moment.

Can you imagine a life, where you only love 10% of it in moment. So for 90% of it, you live in the past, or the future. Is this the life that you want?

I know I feel the moment when I'm running, and I'm tired. All I can feel is my breath, my heart and the heat that my body generates. It's the closest to a meditative state that I get to enjoy.

Oilers - It was a good run, 14 years since a final has allowed Edmonton to appreciate a winning team.

So, I went to watch game seven for the Oilers yesterday. We went to Suede. The Oilers got beaten. So, I’m not hung-over. I Didn't drink that much, the entire city seemed to slump after the loss. It's odd, but it's like there was a number of people who were looking for the endorphin rush that comes with a win, and like drug addicts, they slumped without their fix. There was an exodus as people left the city to retreat to some place...safe, guys swarmed girls in bars, some people drank to excess, and some normally friendly places, had the aura of melancholy. People groped about looking for the rush that they felt that they were rightfully owed.

I, as an observer, drank coffee, observed the loss, and thanked the Oilers inside my head for a wild ride, and went for a walk with the boys. I believed. However, I didn't find myself searching for a fix that I felt I was entitled to. I think I accepted the moment for what it was, and had an opportunity to reminisce. For me, I've been doing so much soul searching, and thinking. Each progression in the series has enabled me to have a benchmark, where I can check back and see what process has been made. I'm in some respects a different person than I was at game one, against Detroit. I like the change, and I’m at peace with it.

Paul - Thank-you.

My cousin passed away last night. Leaving his mother, and wife and children and his ex-wife. He will be joining his father in the hereafter.

Paul, was always the wildest of all of us, his hobbies resembled the "Extreme guys" from Herald and Kumar. In his youth, he drove a camaro, and he jumped out of planes, and I vaguely recall that he was one of the paratroopers in movie Moonraker. Essentially, I envision him as somebody who managed to live in the moment for a few years.

As time has gone by, he has become an Entrepreneur, and an upstanding member of Calgary society.

However, I don't think him for what he accomplished, I remember him as my Cousin, my older cousin, who I looked up to. Who took me to the Calgary Zoo in his Camaro, when I was just tall enough to see out the window.

I remember when I was about 10, he let us rent R rated movies while we were hanging out with him, I remember his mother catching my brother and I watching them.

I think, I was in his car, while he listening to Black Sabbath. I remember asking him "Who is this on this tape?" He explained that it was Black Sabbath. I shot back with "this is very important. Because when I get older, I need to know what tapes not to buy!" He just smiled. I like Black Sabbath now.

I remember, my brother burning some of his picture negatives, and how he wasn't upset (preseumably because we set fire to his room, and he was happy to have a home)

I remember him teaching me how to play pool, when the queue was too big for my hand, and I needed a stool to get above the table to shoot some pool.

Parents are not supposed to outlive to outlive their Children. And Fathers are not supposed to leave children behind. This is a travesty, as it disrupts the entire circle of life.

If life is a gift, how come we're not allowed to return it on our own terms?

Bad analogies.

Each moment in time should be savored. Even pain brings about exquisite sensation, which should be at the very least admired, for protection of the numbness of routine life.
However, habituation makes fools of us all. If my life was a book, I am suddenly aware that I can feel a page turn, as each day passes. I will be closing this book soon, and moving on to the next one (I have a series in me). It’s odd how this “book” makes me appreciate all the highs and lows I was subjected to while creating the type on each page. It’s odd how much it has thought me, and defined what I am now. I admit, there are moments where I wish I didn’t choose to leave, and then I know – I wouldn’t appreciate it unless I knew I was turning the next page, getting inevitably closer to the end.

I am lucky.

I get to feel more, because I know a journey is ending, and a new adventure is beginning.

Today I went out to dinner With Mary Lou, and she allowed herself to be a sounding board, and allowed me to extract thoughts, that I didn’t know I had.
Time is a gift.

Friends are a blessing and life should be full of passion.

The conversation was philosophical, and the Angel hair Sergio was as usual, amazing.

Aries - these are already too close.

I may let you know how this goes;-)

From: http://www.cainer.com/
May 5, 2006
There are some moments when you can get a sense of your true direction. It's as if you look at the cosmic compass and discover what way you're headed, and find your location on the map. When you do that, you'll see that you are in a truly challenging situation, and you may not know exactly what to do. You may not understand this strange, intense mission you seem to be on. It may seem too intense or uncertain for you to handle - but I assure you, you can. Remember, nothing can stop you from doing what you need to do.

From http://www.astrocenter.com
May 5, 2006
You could be in the mood to flirt and to have fun, Errol. As a fire sign, your charms tend to be on the outrageous side. When you like someone, you approach them with bold jokes and sassy comments. You'll have fun chatting with someone attractive today. Just don't go overboard with the sexy conversation if you are talking with this person in your workplace. You might want to postpone your discussion later in the evening over dinner!

The plan - The dream

Late August - Leave for the crazy hippy/rave/performance art festival known as Burning Man. This will likely be the last time the "boys" will be reunited for some time to come. Jason, Dale, and Raj have all confirmed their attendance. We even have our tickets booked. Everyone I know who has gone has basically said 'Look I know this sounds trite and clichéd, but it really is a life changing experience'. I'm just planning on heading there with an open mind and hoping we won't fall apart under the harsh conditions of the Nevada desert.Early September to the end of December- Our "epic" journey officially begins with a trip to Thailand. There are two events in that four month period which have been earmarked. The first is "Interhash" in Thailand, the international meet for the running club Jason and I run with in Edmonton. One of the great things of about attending the Interhash is that it provides us with opportunities to meet runners from around the world. There are some post run parties/excursions that are planned out to Burma/Myanmar and China. [I'm less eager to go to Myanmar given the boycott that has been requested by Nobel Prize laureate and democratically elected leader in exile, Aung San Suu Kyi. Although the thought of seeing a country few Westerners see, through local runners, is tempting.] Doing the crazy running with the Hash House Harriers around the Great Wall of China sounds amazing.The second event is that my parents will be meeting up with us in Thailand for Christmas. Thus, Thailand will be our home base and if there is any place in the region we will be calling "home" for awhile it would be Thailand.During our four months (September to December) we will be hopefully covering much of South East Asia: Laos, Cambodia, and Vietnam. We may have excursions to China, Indonesia and Philippines. There is a lot to see around that area but we're going to try to keep it on the cheap. Hopefully Raj will be able to get some time off and the three of us can meet up.2007January - January will be spent in India.
February - February will be a more challenging period as we will be trying to get through Pakistan, through Iran up to Turkey, likely, by rail. For those of you that follow international news, you will know that hundreds have died on Pakistan rail accidents. We'll take things by ear and we may have to find alternative travel arrangements.March to July – I think that planning this far in advance is like planning what you will do with your rocket car by the time they are invented. (Supposed to be the year 2000, I’m still bitter about being stiffed) Still, preparation is in Jason’s nature so he wants to be aware of our options. We will have approximately five months at this point. We could go down to Africa I want to SCUBA dive with whale sharks and we have even bandied the idea of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro (in Tanzania). We could also spend the time around the Mediterranean with Greece not very far away. We also have Egypt within closer reach.At any rate, at some point we will be making our way up through the former Soviet Bloc eastern European countries: Hungary, Czech, Poland, Croatia, and Bulgaria, Moldova will likely be places we see.By July I would like to get to Moscow and then we will be taking the trans-Mongolian rail to Beijing. The latter part of July and most of August will likely be in Beijing and our trip will be drawing to a close. If there is time and money, I might stay in China longer or head to Australia.At that point, it will be just about time for Jason and I to head back to Canada so we don't lose our jobs! Of course, if some amazing opportunities come our way during the trip, then who knows? Despite this rough outline, I understand that things can change while you are traveling in a heartbeat: illness, issues from home, money issues, visa problems, relationships with people met along the way might alter our game plan completely.